all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
