Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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