I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
