When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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