While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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