how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
