I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
