I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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