Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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