my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
