I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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