I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
he had hair everywhere except his balls
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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