Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
