I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
And then he peed in my hair
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