Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Randomize
