My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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