When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
