My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
