If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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