My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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