There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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