Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
