Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
