i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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