im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
