Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
