at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
