I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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