My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
