My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
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