I didn't shave. On purpose
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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