so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
