You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
