Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
there is puke in my bra ... again
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