Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize
