It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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