I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
