Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
