i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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