What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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