She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
