Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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