I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Bring me that man meat
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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