I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
