And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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