chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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