can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Randomize
