i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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