I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
