my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
farters have to be the big spoon...
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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