Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
