The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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