He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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