Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Sorry my hands just texted you
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
