So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Text me some of your sweat
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