i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
