She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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