bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
