I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
