she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
now i know why i became what i already was.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I am one with the molecules
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
